"Side Effects"

There are many things that happened as a result of the abuse. Below are listed a few of them.

1) Fear of asking for things (of any kind):

I was raised to not ask for things, even if I really needed them. I have so many childhood memories of asking for something (a favour, something at the store, etc.) and my dad hitting me or punishing me and saying, “Don’t ask for stuff.”

After we (my mom and I) left and then met and moved in with Wayne, my stepfather, that mind set stayed with me. Even though he never told me “Don’t ask for stuff”, he did say things like, “Don’t ask for things you don’t need or can’t afford", which is actually good advice.

However, that, mixed with what my dad “taught” me, led to me literally afraid to ask for stuff. It really annoys my friends and other people. My biggest problem with that is food and money. I will go several days without food (in my apartment) and be too afraid to ask anyone if they either have anything they don’t want/need, or if they could give me a lift to Wal-Mart or Save.A.Lot so I can go shopping.

In December 2009, one of my friends proved her awesomeness yet again when she found out I had been three days without food. She picked me up and we went to Save.A.Lot and she spent $150 on food for me. Her mom is also awesome (which is where my friend gets it) and told me that if I ever go without food again without telling them, that she will hunt me down and beat me up (lol I love her).

Yeah, once that supply ran out, I was too afraid to tell her that I was out of food. Not because of the threat (I knew she was kidding), but because of what my dad “taught” me.

Several months ago, I walked several miles from my house to the local Hastings to apply for a job. At the time, I didn’t have any food, so I made the walk there on an empty stomach and no water in me (that I did have, but was too lazy to drink before leaving). Hastings only applies online, so I started walking back. I was halfway back when I got really dehydrated and had to stop at United (grocery store). I skipped past the fear and called around for a ride. The only person who could come was the preacher’s wife. When she got there, she asked me what food I had at home (she knew I usually don’t have much). I lied and said I had “enough”. She didn’t fall for it and wanted to know exactly what I had. So I told her. “Mustard, ketchup, salt, pepper, soy sauce, coffee, and sugar”. She slammed on the breaks. Right then, my then-girlfriend's grandmother was calling my phone. I don’t remember why she called me, but she knew as soon as I said, “Hello?” in a more groggy voice than usual that something wasn’t right. Evelyn took the phone from my hand and told her what had happened. I could hear her grandma yelling through the phone, asking why I never told them I had no food. They stayed on the phone for half an hour (SO glad I have unlimited talk!) and both decided to gather some food up for me.

As I write this (8 February 2010), I am running short of food, and I don’t know what I’m going to do!

Someone said I don’t ask for things because I am too “proud” to do so. What exactly do I have to be “proud” of, anyway? I am totally not prideful!

I didn’t think this side effect was important enough to mention here. Then about a week or so ago, I read a PWP Entry titled “Asking for Help / Thought for Today”. After reading that, I realized that it was (in fact) a side effect just as much as the other things I am about to discuss. There was a line in that Entry that I took literal. “Try asking for a garbage bag from a neighbour even if you have a ton under your sink.” I didn’t have a ton of bags (in fact, I was out), but I remembered this line and the fact that my upstairs neighbours have the exact same trash can as I do and asked for a bag. The poster of that Entry was right when she said, “Asking for help is not always easy but you deserve it and will see that when you ask.”; Instead of giving me one bag, my neighbour gave me three bags, which will last a couple of weeks instead of the few days that just one will.

[Update on 11 January 2018]

I've gotten a little better at this in the last eight years. While I still struggle with asking for things, I have managed to do it more than before. Sometimes I find myself hinting instead of actually asking. But luckily I have some awesome friends who sometimes don't mind helping me. Sometimes they say no, but that's a good thing. If they said yes all the time, I'd probably start getting cocky about it.

[Update on 20 May 2023]

Pleased to report that I've gotten even better at this, though still struggle with it. I used to be really bad at hinting when I needed something instead of just coming right out with it. I still do that sometimes, but when I really need something I've gotten better at just coming right out with it. For example, about a year ago I moved into a new place and needed help buying a dresser and a bed. I knew that my church always helps people out with little things like that. I wanted to ask my pastor if she could help me with it, so after service one Sunday, I walked up to her and asked her about it, then pulled up the item pages on Amazon, and she told me to text her the links to the dresser and bed and the church would take care of it, and they did. I didn't even think much of it until I was telling someone and they were like, 'THAT'S SERIOUSLY PROGRESS!!!" and I was confused until they pointed it out. Of course, when asking for things I don't necessarily need but just want, it's still awkward asking. But I think that's natural, though.

2) “Am I allowed...?” mindset:

Something that really made up a lot of the abuse was the phrase, “You’re not allowed...”. I wasn’t allowed to do a lot of things. Like one time my dad was watching TV and Tales Spin came on. I could tell from the opening notes, because it was one of my favourite shows. When I heard it, I ran into the livingroom, and my dad told me I wasn't allowed to watch it and sent me to my room, and he turned up the TV so I could hear it but not see it and he watched the episode. I REALLY wasn’t allowed to do anything. Couldn’t go to friend’s houses, couldn’t go places, couldn’t watch TV (unless my mom was there), couldn’t etc...

Anyway, after I graduated and got out on my own and yadda, yadda, yadda, I was still under that impression. It really hurt my relationship with my friends at church in 2008 and 2009, because they’d want me to go somewhere with them, and I would say I “couldn’t”. They interpreted that as I had something to do. I know this sounds dumb, but I felt that I “wasn’t allowed”. Even now, there are times I want to go somewhere or do something, but I don’t because I’m not sure if I “can”. I know that no one is going to...”punish?” me (I couldn’t think of what to put there, so that’s why I put the “quotes” and “?”), but I still feel that I “can’t”. I think this is the weirdest and lamest side effect so far. I have a feeling that I’m going to be made fun of for this one in particular.

I think this side effect ties in with the other one. I’m not sure, because I’ve never directly thought of that until now, but what if I’m afraid to ask for things because I’m afraid I’m “not allowed” to ask for things? Now that doesn’t make much sense, because my friend's mom TOLD me to tell her when I am out of food, so I am definitely “allowed”. My friends INVITE me to go with them places, so I'm definitely "allowed".

I’ve never liked that word, that’s why I am putting quotes around it. To “allow” someone to do something is to assume that you have control over them, and as I don’t believe in anyone having control over another human being, I do not like the idea of someone “allowing” you do to something.

When my ex-girlfriend and I were still together, someone asked me if I was going to “allow” her to have her own computer. What the heck?! If she wants to get a computer, she can very well get a computer! She doesn’t need “permission” from me or whomever! (And that goes for all other aspects, not just computers and relationships).

[Update on 11 January 2018]

Wow, I kind of digressed there at the end there. Anyway, this hasn't gotten better with time. In fact, it's probably gotten worse. Especially in regard to coworkers. They used to invite me places, but I'd always say no. There was very few exceptions. I told one of my bestfriends that I had never been to Chipotle, and she told me that she was taking me that weekend, and she refused to take no for an answer, and basically forced me to go. But I was really excited because it turns out Chipotle is awesome and I highly recommend everyone try it.

But for the most part I say no when invited. To the point where no one invites me anywhere anymore. Not even the company Christmas party a few weeks ago. I didn't even know about it until after it happened and someone told me on Facebook that I should have been there.

[Update on 20 May 2023]

Okay, so this is the reason I'm doing updates tonight. While the other two listed "side effects" have had improvements, I seem to have just gotten worse at this one. I must say here that I just realised that the initial post was written in 2010, when I lived in Texas, the first update in 2018 when I lived in Ohio, and now this update in 2023, when I live in San Francisco.

Anyway, There have been a few times I have been invited places and I accepted. A friend from church invited me to an early screening of Thor: Love & Thunder and I agreed. She also invited me to go see Elvis and I accepted. I had another friend invite me out to lunch and we ended up walking through Golden Gate Park together. Another friend and I went to see Puss in Boots: The Last Wish together. So I do occasionally go do things with friends. But I can literally count them. I've lived here two years next month, and I can count seven times total I've been invited somewhere and accepted. Which sounds good, until you realise how many times I have said no. I've lost count.

Around Christmas, my work had a company Christmas party at a bowling alley. I was going to make an excuse to not go, but I ended up not being able to go anyway because I just happened to have an appointment that day and couldn't go even if I wanted to. Then, two weeks ago, my manager sent everyone a message on the workplace app announcing an employee appreciation party at that bowling alley. I didn't have any appointments, and everyone kept telling me that I should go. In the two weeks since the announcement, everyone there has been trying to convince me to go. To answer the question of whether or not I went, I will say that it's happening right now, and I am at home typing this.

So, the thing is, it felt weird thinking about going. There were times when I actually started to consider going, thinking maybe this will be the start of me breaking this cycle. Because I do know it's not healthy. But I can't bring myself to actually go. In 2021, a few months after I moved here, I worked at a festival called Outside Lands. It's a massive thing here. Lizzo headlined it. One of the perks of being one of the workers is you get to attend the concerts for free when you're off the clock. Literally all the other workers did. The night crew came early and watched the shows in the morning and the morning crew stayed and watched the shows in the evening. But I came, did my job, and went home. They asked why I didn't stay and I said something like, "It's just not for me". But really, I actually did want to stay. But something made me leave. I think it's just habit. I've always been in the mindset of "go, do the thing, go home". If I leave the house with the intention of seeing a movie at Kabuki AMC in Japantown and when I get there they are having a festival, just keep walking. That's not why I left the house. I'll watch the movie then catch the bus home. I had a friend ask why I didn't stay for the Cherry Blossom Festival, and I claimed it was too crowded. Granted, it was, but I really wanted to go. But again, that's not why I left the house.

I think this mindset might have had an impact on relationships? I'm not talking about romantic (that's not even a thing I'm interested in). I'm talking about in general. Friends, family, coworkers, etc. Most of my coworkers are friends outside of work. I consider some of them friends, of course. I have them on Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tok, and one of them I even have as a friend on PSN. We talk at work and send each other Tik Toks and such. But While they all hang out with each other outside of work, nobody at work hangs out with me, There's technically one exception. Remember I said above that one friend and I went and saw Puss in Boots? We met at work, but by then they'd stopped working there a couple months, so they weren't actually a coworker anymore.

I keep telling them that I don't really have a group of friends. I have people I consider friends, but not a specific group of friends. People to go hang out with and do stuff with. My bestfriend lives here and is the reason I even moved to San Francisco, and we occasionally hang out, but even they have a group of people they go do stuff with. The rare times I am there when their friends are there, I feel like I'm intruding and shouldn't be there so find a reason to leave.

Which brings me back to me not bowling tonight. When asked why I didn't want to go, I kept saying "it's complicated". It's still hard to describe. Like, it's not real. As in, it'd feel like simulating having friends and hanging out, but it's just a bunch of coworkers at a work sponsored event paid for by the owner of the store. The only way it could be more artificial is if a camera crew was there to film it for a documentary or something. I'd have been more likely to agree to go if it was just a group of them deciding to go bowling and hey, would you like to come with us? But I never feel wanted anywhere I go. There's a big difference between being invited and being wanted. I'm often invited, but I never feel wanted. The few times I am invited somewhere, it's made to feel like they're obligated to ask me, and they look relieved when I say no. Heck, when I lived in Ohio, a couple coworkers invited me to a hookah bar with them because they knew I'd say no to going someplace like that, and they used it against me ever since. "We tried inviting you once but you said no". I know that's why they invited me because the third person with them ratted them out to me, saying she told them to stop being mean to me.

But yeah, It's a mix of the "am I allowed" mindset, and actually wanting people who want me around. I actually told a couple coworkers I'm tired of doing everything alone and they literally said, "You don't have to have someone there to do stuff". Yes, I do stuff by myself all the time. It gets old...

3) Fear of getting wet:

When I was little, my dad and his friends would take me to the deepest part of the lake and play “human volleyball” with me. I was only four and/or five (not sure how many times this happened, but I know it was much more than once). Being as I couldn’t swim, if one of my dad’s friends missed me I went straight to the bottom and they would have to dive down and find me. Lake Fort Phantom is famous for it’s crystal clear waters...just kidding. The waters are incredibly muddy and impossible to see through. Goggles are pointless because you can’t even see your hand in from of your face. So it would take my dad’s friends a bit to find me. They normally didn’t give me a chance to catch my breath before they started tossing me around again.

Things like that have led me to have a fear of getting wet.

When I tell friends that, they say, “Then how do you take a shower?” There are exceptions like that.

My fear comes and goes over time. Like, back in 2006 we got a massive swimming pool. I used to swim in that. In fact, I used to hold myself underwater just because I liked the view there. Underwater pictures always fascinated me. Especially crystal clear water, like a pool. But now (2010), you can’t even get me to stick my hand in a pool.

Many years ago, my family and I were at Lake Sweetwater. They were all in the lake, swimming and everything. I was on the...beach...?...shore...area and Wayne was trying to talk me into the lake, but I wouldn’t do it. I would start to, but then the water touched my foot and I had flashbacks to Lake Fort Phantom and start crying and screaming. I’m pretty sure that Wayne did not know about what happened when I was little, because he eventually got mad because I wouldn’t get in the lake (not out of control mad, but “Fine!” mad).

More recently (three days before typing this, in fact. . .), I had an incident that I’m embarrassed about, but I’m almost certain that it’s safe to post on here...

We have been getting a lot of rain lately (I hate it!!!!). With great rains come great puddles (I ALMOST said “Great responsibility...I don’t know, habit?). I was walking home from my aunt’s house late that night and had on a rain coat she let me borrow. My MP3 Player was in my coat and out of the way when this happened (THANK GOD!) I was walking around this large group of puddles (and it also has been a bit icy), and slipped and landed hard in a rather large and deep puddle. Water splashed up all around me, and a bunch fell right back on top of me.

My mind was full of flashbacks and I think I may have screamed. All I know is that the next thing I know, I’m laying in this puddle of water (it was so deep that it almost covered me and my mouth was underwater, but not my nose), and that it was near freezing that night, and also I was crying. Not silent tears. I was bawling, like a little kid. It’s like it never occurred to me in all of my fright to get out of the puddle. I laid there for maybe thirty minutes (maybe an hour, maybe 15 seconds. . .), then slowly got up and stumbled home, weeping the whole way and changed into warm clothes and crying myself to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, I was sick and could hardly move and was that way most of the day.

[Update on 11 January 2018]

Well, I am pleased to announce that I have been fear-of-water-free for nearly three years. Which is really good, considering I am a dishwasher in a restaurant, and have been for three years. I get home soaking most days/nights, so it'd be very awkward if I had a panick attack every time I got wet at work. I mean, I do have panick attacks at work, but for different reasons.

[Update on 20 May 2023]

This one needs no updating, but I updated the other two and didn't want to make this one feel left out. The fear of getting wet has not returned in almost a decade.